With Wilder’s first birthday tomorrow, I’ve had so much on my mind involving the last 3 years of my life.When Rowan was born, we had every intention of having more kids and having them close in age. So 6 months rolls by and although we were nervous, we started trying for baby #2.. flash back in time with me for a moment. When we conceived Rowan, we weren’t trying. We just stopped trying NOT to get pregnant, leaving it solely in God’s hands. She took about 6 months which is completely normal! No issues no worries!
Back to baby #2. I was determined to plan it just right. I’d taken so many tests, had a calendar all marked up and had a silly little app to monitor everything. I had changed my diet, my workouts, my lifestyle completely in order to conceive. There was absolutely NO way it wouldn’t work, right?!? Wrong.. month after month after month.. negative test after negative test after negative test…
It’s one thing to imagine months of disappointment.. but to be there is nothing like I’ve ever experienced or pictured. This is incredibly humbling for me to talk about, but it absolutely consumed me. My life became about boosting fertility. Taking supplements and natural boosters, having andy take supplements and change his lifestyle as well. We only ate and drank certain things. I cannot describe to you the intensity of my obsession. And frankly if we are being honest, I did things I refuse to even divulge because it’s just ABSURD! Andy can attest! I wasn’t myself. I became this walking mess of emotion and pain, seeking answers, researching methods and tips and tricks as well as buying products I wasn’t even sure were going to help.. The money I invested into everything combined is astronomical!
Before I continue in my story, I have to make something very clear. I, by no means, think I had it worse than others.. I look at people in my life and I cannot imagine what they’ve experienced in the “trying to conceive” journey.. or those who’ve experienced miscarriages or struggled with infertility. I feel so blessed that things didn’t become worse than they were and despite the pain we went through, I consider myself so lucky!
In the midst of the heartache, anguish, stress, worry, impatience and seeking answers.. something happened. And what sickens me is I didn’t even see it. I was so absorbed in failures and fixes that something completely flew by without me even batting a eye. Sitting here writing this I have knots in my stomach thinking “How could you? How could you not see what happened until later?”. I was blinded by the stress of trying to conceive that I overlooked a huge issue.. upon talking to people on mom boards and baby boards it finally occurred to me what I’d completely overlooked..
We were on i believe our 5th month of trying for a baby when the unthinkable happened for me.. I GOT A POSITIVE TEST! It was faint, but it was there! I took pics and posted them on all my mom boards and everyone saw it too! I was finally pregnant! I spent the whole night thinking about how to tell Andy! And thinking of ways we could announce it on a Christmas ornament or a present that the family could unwrap! I cried! I couldn’t believe I was pregnant! Now anyone who has tried for a baby knows to take more tests later and observe your line get darker. So still being nervous, I was however a few days late so I was hopeful! I took a test the next day. Positive again! I knew it had taken! I was just in shock! And as you can guess, 3rd test proved positive as well! HOWEVER.. I’d noticed in comparing pictures that the lines were the same. Nothing was getting darker.. I was now about a week or so late on my period. So I knew it had to be but I was unsure of why it wasn’t darker! This is the part that makes me sick to reminisce about today.. just as soon as I got positive test, my period came. And just as soon as my period came, I moved on and snapped back into my zone of trying to conceive..
I was so consumed I overlooked and brushed off what had happened. During my pregnancy with wilder I was having conversation with other moms who were trying to conceive and I’d mentioned this month where I was late and got positive tests.. but nothing happened and I just carried on my way. It wasn’t till that moment someone told me I had had a chemical pregnancy. I’ve heard this term so many times. I knew exactly what it was. I was no stranger to pregnancy talk or terminology.. a chemical pregnancy is basic terms in an early miscarriage prior to the 5th week of gestation. Which sadly happens more often than you would think. How could this have happened. How could I have been so lost in my own ways that I completely dismissed miscarrying. I began feeling guilt and shame for brushing off this baby I had lost. Like I didn’t even care! I started grieving over my lost child that didn’t even get a thought in my mind at the time.
It’s been about a year since I it was brought to my attention. I still hurt and I still feel like a lousy mother over it sometimes. But I finally feel okay talking about it. I’ve come to terms with it and I’ve prayed over my grief and guilt. God is so good. And if not for that, I would have my sweet baby boy today, about to celebrate his birthday tomorrow.
I was at a craft show a couple weekends ago and was shopping around for some home decor items and staring at me across a shop was a sign that read,
“When I wait, you strengthen my heart.” psalm 27:14
As mentioned before, these last couple years I’ve felt like I’ve grown so much. There are a lot of things that pushed me to this place right now but I truly believe that statement on that sign is so true to how I got here. When I wait, God strengthens my heart. I am so much stronger today than I’ve ever been. And those months of trying to conceive strengthened me and empowered me even if it didn’t feel like it in the moment.
In December of 2016 we started a fertility treatment called IUI, or Intrauterine Insemination. I was also taking Clomid to help with conception as well. After two rounds of IUI’s and Clomid, in January of 2017, we conceived our sweet son Wilder Martin. My goodness we are so blessed. God is so good to us. I am so thankful for His grace and mercy for this family I cannot imagine my life without my son. I didn’t deserve children but because of God’s sacrifice and love I now have two gorgeous children here on earth, and one angel in heaven waiting to meet me some day. If there’s anything God has truly revealed to me through this story of my life, it’s that God WILL strengthen you when you wait for His plan. And that every storm you may go trough in life is always followed by a rainbow. ❤️🌈
